To be a father is a glorious, rewarding and rigorous thing. What I love most is the process of creating a life, one that grows and changes unexpectedly right before my eyes. As a parent, I am always called upon to be creative– to pivot, adapt, experiment and remain open each and every day. What I find challenging is how fathering a son places me in a kind of undertow, an invisible current with a strong pull of fathers raising sons. I have found that to be a father, I have had to simultaneously heal my relationship with my own father. This is tricky for the male psyche can be hard-nosed, removed, stoic. In the political and social culture that surrounds us today, this has become more pronounced in a manosphere that is full of bravado, aggression and misogyny.
For me, the mainstay of fatherhood is loving presence. In the days when my son was three or four (he is now 21) I would dance him to sleep to the ambient music of Sigur Ros and Brian Eno. I cradled, cuddled and caressed him for as many years as I could. This isn’t always the case, as fathers who are not embodied can be rigid, stern– even scary. For this reason, for many men the last thing they want to do is parent like their fathers. It is so common for silence, distance and mistrust to grow between father and son. And fathers can have a distorted sense of their own authority, thinking in the back of their mind they need to be “God the father.” In fatherhood I never take a “top down” approach. While standing in the role of father, providing support and guidance, I am always ready to learn and grow.
Most importantly, I find ways to reach out to my son, to hold him without clinging and to always stay in relationship. Fathering is a bit like traveling a mountain path shrouded in mist. Every turn of the way requires patience, humility, and care. My aim is to always be present and loving so that my son can shine.
